Need to Stop Arguing this may Help

How to start a civil conversation when you and your spouse, significant other, are fighting to the point you can’t say a polite word. This takes both you coming to the table as a cease-fire.

This is a fantastic way to have a civil conversation. What our goal will be is to talk without fighting. If you can begin a civil discourse, then you can start to find healing words and a way back to happiness.

self help, love, happiness

For this, to work you have to both agree to NOT talk about your fight. This is a total cease-fire of all ugliness! Each of must come with an open heart. 

  1. Make a time where you can sit down totally uninterrupted. No alcohol, no wine, just coffee or a soda. The two of you ONLY. Kids need to-go-to grandmas.
  2. Each of you agrees with no curse words.
  3. Rock, paper, scissors to see who talks first. Best two out of three if needed.

So what is the conversation going to be?

Give this some thought before you sit down. Assuming you are agreed.

Pick something about your life that your partner does not really know about you. The story can be about anything except for a topic that Segways into your argument. 

The whole point of this is to talk about something that allows the two of you to communicate! Each takes a turn in telling a story, having a conversation that is merely the two of you talking.

If you’ve completed this, we have one more exercise.

What made you fall in love with each other? Have a conversation about what makes you happy together.

If you can do these two things then perhaps what you’re arguing about is not that big a deal. Sometimes, we just need to talk civilly and then remember why we love one another.

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Today be Present in the Moment

Being present in the moment is something I learned later in life and at some cost. Life can get hectic, bills, stress at work, you could fill in dozens of more distractions.

What do we mean by being present in the moment? If your children are tugging on you to pay attention to them. When your mind is somewhere else, focused on how you’re going to pay the rent for example. Kids can sense when you’re not paying total attention.

self help, play, fun

Even a spouse can sense when you are not really there. The mind is sifting through tons of garbage, not what is at hand. Just, not paying attention.

It’s easy to justify the stress overtaking the moment. “If I don’t focus on my work we don’t eat.” That very well may be true to a point. Eight o’clock at night business is closed you can give your spouse, or children some of your time.

Being able to be present in the moment with family is precious. You can’t get back time, ever! What I learned the hard way is that your stress will be there in the morning, why not leave it at the front door. Easier said than done!

Here are some things I do today so that I can be present in the moment:

  1. Stress if I allow overtaking my brain, makes matters worse. Learn to harness your stress. If you freak out, that is precisely what your Universe will deliver to you!
  2. Meditate daily. Learn to relax, focus your mind. It’s in these moments solutions will come to you. Peace will come to you!
  3. Breathe, you heard me breathe. During the day, stop and breathe. Take a couple deep cleansing breaths and then breath in through the nose and out through the mouth. Do this for about a minute only. Try it you will be amazed.
  4. Prioritize time for your family. They’re way more important than ANYTHING else you could be focused on. Happy breeds Happy in your home! You bring the stress and guess what, that’s what the family gets, stress. Stop it!
  5. Take a walk. I am not talking about going to the gym take a walk. Get outside and clear your head. Enjoy the world around you. Learn to relax. Walking helps to do this. This is not a workout walk, this is holding the hand of your spouse walk.

Don’t put this off until tomorrow, next month, you need to give this gift to yourself. Time is more precious than we imagine while stressed out. If you can’t be present at the moment for your family voluntarily, what would happen if heaven forbid you were forced to focus. A health reason, someone got injured, you could find time then.

Don’t waste this precious time in your life focused on the bills, work stress, hell everyone has that. Give those that love you, YOU! Don’t tell your children you’re too busy. Don’t tell your spouse you’re too busy.

Unaquivicably, I can tell you that all the stress, worry, I brought too my life didn’t make tinkers damn in the final outcome. Meaning, it only brought more of the same full frontal stress!

Stop at the moment breathe, smile and enjoy.

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Did you Pray Today

Praying as part of your everyday regimen. Did you pray today, why not? If you did good for you.

Why is praying daily so important?

  1. Great way to stay in faith.
  2. Take a moment to believe for what you want from your life.
  3. Keeps you in communication with God. Always a good thing!
  4. Being humble before God.
  5. Embracing the feelings of prayers being answered, showing gratitude.

Just a few in a huge list of reasons that prayer can and should be a part of your everyday life.

self help, love, faith

Letting God know you’re there as it were. I take what I call prayer walks in the morning times to simply talk to God. Funny note if people see me walking they probably think I forgot to take my medication, talking to myself.

God, knows when I am talking to him from my heart. It helps me start my day. Focused on what is important. Then I simply let God handle it. Not always easy for me, sometimes I feel like he needs my help. Not so much!

If you let life unfold before you staying in faith, the blessings are immeasurable. For times when you think if you don’t jump in everything will come to an end. DON’T! Stay in faith even when you don’t see anything but a disaster. Let it play out, let God know you are grateful that he has blessed you with the answer, Even when you can’t see it yet.

This is why you pray. Stay in faith, be grateful for the answered prayer before it manifests and don’t beg. You don’t have to beg God for anything. For example, someone close to you gets horrible health news. Don’t beg God to save them, thank God that he did save them. Pray for healing and restoration. Just don’t beg for it, you don’t have to beg!

You also don’t have to promise God; “If you just get me through this I will never ____.”

Make prayer a part of your everyday life. If you have kids pray with them. Married, pray with your spouse. Most importantly make sure you and God stay connected.

God bless!

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Toxic Relationship Stops NOW

“Your past does NOT define your future.” This will become very clear as the story moves forward. Are you ready for change? If so then welcome.

It doesn’t matter whether you male or female. Either side can be on the receiving end of a toxic relationship. The article is written to both genders.

When you dwell into the past then thoughts of “I’m not worthy” “I’m worthless” will stop you in your tracks. It’s time to get our thinking into a healthy mindset; it’s time to smile again.

stress, spouse, self help

We really do this when it comes to letting go of relationships. Looking in that rearview mirror for clues. Answers that may never happen. It’s difficult to let go of relationships when we don’t understand fully why they ended or must end because it’s toxic.

Sometimes we’re in toxic relationships that it’s necessary for us to move on for our own sanity. Sadly, in this type of relationship, we get ourselves beaten down to the point that toxic behavior is allowed and accepted from ourselves. For some, the connection itself means more than our own serenity.

Allowing ones’ self to fall prey to this type of relationship is far more comfortable than what you might think. We convince ourselves that this person will change, or something about ourselves we can change that will make our toxic partner love us.

First thing don’t believe you have no options. For example, a housewife with young children no family close and the list goes on. So, acceptance becomes easier than facing the pain. This life is not your portrayal of a doormat. “Woo-Hoo I landed the part of a lifetime Doormat!” Not only NO but heck NO!

What now seems like a no-way-out scenario. Is temporary if you make it so.

This story will help:

Let’s pretend for a moment that the relationship of our dreams is at the top of a vast mountain we must climb to the summit to live happily-ever-after. Stay with me I know it sounds cheesy.

Our emotions are so heavy for the beautiful relationship we have to carry them in a backpack. So we load love, passion, desire, tranquility, and fulfillment into our pack. This is a lot of heavy emotions we’re carrying up the hill. The good news, for now, is that it all fits and we can carry it. The summit does not seem so far away.

Now comes our partner who has a few things we need to carry for them. These toxic emotions are incredibly dense.

What could be so much?

  • Control
  • Jealousy
  • Anger
  • Narcissistic behavior
  • Abuse both physical and mental (If physical violence is a part of your life, reach out for professional help, contact your local law enforcement. Protection and assistance are a phone call away)

So as the relationship begins “your hike up the hill” the emotions mentioned above get stuffed in your backpack. Not all at once mind you but slowly as you ascend to the summit. With each step, the pack becomes more burdensome, and your ability to combat these new emotions diminishes due to mental fatigue.

Until finally you just fall from exhaustion from the toxic emotional weight of the pack.

This becomes a dark place where we just see no light. The trail becomes so obscure we’re not able to see any hope (light at the end of the path to guide us). If you’re in this place, breathe! We’re getting ready to turn on the light to guide your way. Hope exists.

So what happens now? The answer is the flashlight that is in the bottom of your backpack that is now stuffed so tightly you cannot reach inside to get it. You’re going to have to unload the pack enough to get to the light. The flashlight holds the key to lighting your way.

Here are some simple steps bringing light to start now:

  1. Take a moment and breathe, yes breathe. Find a place that you can take a couple of minutes to just breathe. Take a couple of deep cleansing breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth. Then just breathe for at least one minute. Relax your body. Relaxed clear mind! 
  2. Start walking every day. Do this for a couple of reasons. One you need strength, two you have an opportunity to clear your
  3. Learning to make your mind, relax your body. Power comes from within when you can harness that strength, see yourself while meditating towards that which you truly desire.
  4. Accept that YOU are allowed to be happy. Allowed to have the life you want. Your current situation is not a sentence.
  5. Educate yourself with suitable material. Apply what you learn to gain strength and enlightenment. Make an investment in your own happiness.

Would you like to know what the good news is? Five new negative emotions were added to your backpack. You now have five steps that have helped you remove enough garbage out of your pack so that now the flashlight that guides your way is within reach in your bag.

Grab it!

Now, let’s finish our climb.

With a lighter pack and light to see the trail. You can stand up and finish the journey. Toxic relationships are not anyone’s destiny. Getting out of it may have some pain that must be endured. Our steps outlined help you develop the strength to take the strain.

With your lighter pack and flashlight in hand begin your walk. The summit is now is starting to come clear from the fog that WAS your life. Practice every day these simple steps, and you will be amazed at how quickly your emotional strength will recover.

See yourself at the top of the mountain. Now we need to add a little to what happens when we get to the top of our mountain.

At the top of the mountain, the summit, the pinnacle of your happiness. From this vantage point, you see, happiness, love, joy, and freedom to live the life you dreamt of. With the strength to say what is acceptable and what is NOT acceptable in your life experience.

We all may enjoy a life filled with trials and tribulations, but those trials are not acceptable when induced by someone that professes to love us.

You now have the tools to begin the journey. Remember, you’re not alone, and you are worthy of happiness.

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Helpful Resources:

Pastoral Counseling (reach out to a local Church that offers Pastoral Care)
Marriage Counseling (many centers work on a sliding scale for payment)

Dwelling on the Past

One primary cause for not moving forward in your life; Dwelling in the past. Working out stuff that is merely in the past. What can you really do to change things that have long since past?

So you’ve done something in your past, or something has happened to you from days gone by, and you can’t let go. If you can clear these questions, it’s time to move on:

  1. Anyone you may have hurt have you made amends if that is possible?
  2. Did you learn anything from what happened?
  3. Have you taken steps to correct yourself if it was your issue?
  4. Are you tired of your current situation and ready to change?

If you answered yes to one or all then maybe it’s time to let go. Moreover, maybe its time to look forward!

Relationships could be categorized in the top two of the most common things to let go and move on from. If you haven’t moved on then make ‘s think about a few things. Yes, you may in your HEAD believe that life is over without this person, but that is just not true. NO, you don’t want to hear that but I can tell you from experience, you can let go.

If someone does not want you then why on earth would you consider wanting them? Let’s say they did come back after you begged them too. How long do you really think it will last? If your spouse wants out this was a long time coming. Most likely they have fallen out of love with you for some time. The hard part you haven’t YET!

self help, God, Jesus

I am a big supporter of keeping your marriage together. Counseling and hard work. Yes! If however, no reconciliation by the other person can occur, it’s time to move on. You have to search your heart that perhaps God is moving this person out of your life to make room for someone who is right for you. Painful, hell yes, but at the end of the day do you want a healthy, happy marriage or the same status quo that you had?

Sometimes, as painful as a breakup can be it’s for the best possible outcome. What I thought I wanted from my ex-wife was a reconciliation. She did not. I just knew we could fix our marriage. When I was forced to face the reality of divorce. Open my eyes and say okay I don’t want this, but maybe God has a new plan for my life. I surrendered to it, let go genuinely. Wow, being opened up to a modern day.

I stopped looking backward and put my sights forward. This is the whole point of this article. You cannot see a NEW future unfold in front of you while you’re dwelling in the past. Think about if driving down the freeway continually looking in your rear-view mirror you will eventually crash. You do not deserve to crash, open your eyes and look down the road.

No matter what mistakes you’ve made in the past. That’s the point they’re in the past! You can make amends where possible and not make that mistake again. If you can honestly say “I screwed up, but that’s not me anymore.” Move on, move forward with what life has to show you.

Mistakes are not life sentences. They’re just that mistakes. If you have people around you reminding you continually about your mistakes, tell them to move on. That’s petty, and you just don’t need to keep those folks around. Misery loves company. For naysayers ask them to keep it moving. When your heart says you that you’ve done as much as you can to the right a wrong. Let’s move on!

Your past does not define the person you are or could be. Don’t let mistakes define your life. Don’t let lost relationships determine your final outcome. Through the pain, we find strength, blessings, and miracles. Allow life, to open a new for you.

We have all made mistakes in your lives that we’re not proud of. Even had things done to us by someone that hurt us deeply. Both sides of this coin we need to let go of. Dwelling on what we did or what happened to us serves no purpose other than pain. I get only too well that if our pain was inflicted by another, that is hard as hell to let go.

When it comes to hurt, we suffer from an event in our life that was inflicted upon us. This pain cannot be easily undone or ever for that matter. What we can focus on is that it was not our fault, we did not deserve what happened. My prayer is that God will help you to put the pain away. God loves you, I love you as a human being, that your life can and will be happy, fulfilled, prosperous and full of joy.

These things may seem unattainable at this moment, but they do exist. They exist when you can let go (not forget) and no longer accept that what has happened defines you. It does not. What distinguishes you is what God’s plan for your life as you begin to open your heart to receive. Let God have your pain, ask him to take your pain and show you the growth he has for you.

I would not presume to say I have walked in anyone’s shoes, nor could you say you have walked in mine. What I can with all my heart tell you that through the pain, is joy, freedom and a life you have earned because of your struggle. When I say life, I mean a beautiful experience.

God did not put eyes in the back of your head. I can imagine the reason is you need to keep looking forward. What’s behind you is just that; behind you!

  • Your past does not define who you really are!
  • Your past is not a life sentence of pain!

Open up and see what God has for you. Life is out there waiting to laugh with you.

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